Monday, 3 April 2017

My Biggest Fears

I've always wanted to be open and honest on this blog, which I have, and I aim to keep it that way, despite what some people 'suggest'.

I guess mine, and Fletcher's, lives have changed quite abit recently, from routines, shift patterns with my job, and general life things too.
 I've been a  single parent for just under 2 months and some days, honestly, it is the hardest thing, purely because Fletcher seems to be in the terrible twos. The word 'no' brings about the worst meltdowns ever. But, I am getting there. Doing everything alone actually gives me much more purpose, and a huge sense of accomplishment, Before, I couldn't imagine doing everything alone, however now I am proud I do and can. I'm so proud what I can do and can provide alone for my son. I mean I am not completely alone, my parents and sister help.

I still have some fears in my life. That one day, some other woman will try to parent my child. I had a terrible step mother as a child (she even admitted this) and I dread to think that Fletcher may suffer the same. I'm all for people loving Fletcher and giving him attention, as every child deserves it. I just don't want a replacement mum. I guess I always need to tell myself that I actually grew him, carried him, protecting him for nine months and actually bought him into this world. That counts for something.

My main priority is to protect Fletch from hurt and harm in anyway, and providing him a stable, constant home environment. That kid is my everything.

In the last 2 months our bond has grown stronger. Fletcher's speech is behind but that doesn't stop our communication. I guess it's a mum thing, cause I just understand (the majority of the time) what he wants or needs. sometimes when he doesn't realise it too.

I fear the day when he stops needing me like he does now. I know that it is inevitable, but like I still rely on my parents for occasional help and advice, I hope he always does the same with me too.

I also fear, either being alone or unable to trust someone else in the future, and even meeting someone that will accept me as a single parent and accept Fletcher too, probably really stupid to worry about that, but I guess I do. I had Tinder , although hilarious, I have deleted it. It just doesn't sit right with me, it's just not the way I think I will meet anyone, and I'm a true believer that someone will always walk into your life when you're not looking and least expecting it.

I guess I wanna be honest and say right now I haven't a clue where life is going or what could happen in the future, but then who does ? ( seriously if you have so much figured out, tell me your secrets?) I am fully concentrating on having fun, and making sure Fletcher (in between meltdowns) is having as much fun and laughing as much as possible.

I guess if Fletcher is reading this in the future , then i want him to know, I'm trying my best. I'm far from perfect, whilst I'm trying not to scream back at you, because your screaming about not wanting to put your pyjamas on, Please know, I'm still scared that I may not be doing this right, but I really am trying my best, and when I say "no" I do still love you, although you are probably thinking I'm the worst.


Kelsie (or Mum if you are Fletcher)


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